Many child-rearing theories teach that one of the prime parenting goals is to get your child to be independent. Gaining independence is only one part of becoming an emotionally healthy person. A child must pass through three stages:

• Dependence: "You do it for me." The infant under one year of age is totally dependent on his parents.
• Independence: "I do it myself." During the second year, the exploring toddler, with the encouragement of parents, learns to do many things independent of parents.
• Interdependence: "We do it." This is the most mature stage. The child has the drive to accomplish a feat by himself, but has the wisdom to ask for help to do it better. For a child to have the best chance of becoming an emotionally healthy person, he should be encouraged to mature through each of these stages gradually. Getting stuck in the dependent stage is as crippling as being forced out of it too soon. Remaining in the independent stage is frustrating. Maturing into interdependence equips children with the ability to get the most out of others, while asking the most of themselves.

Interdependence means the parent and child need each other to bring out the best in each other. Without your child challenging you as he goes through each stage, you wouldn't develop the skills necessary to parent him. Here's where the connected pair shines. They help each other be the best for each other.

Learning interdependence prepares a child for life, especially for relationships and work. In fact, management consultants teach the concept of interdependence to increase productivity. Steven Covey, author of the best- selling Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, stresses that interdependence is a characteristic of the most successful people. The ability to know when to seek help and how to get it is a valuable social skill that even a two-year-old can learn: "I can do it myself, but I can do it better with help." This is how your child learns to become resource-full. So, when your child asks you to help with a project, consider that you may be raising a future executive.

Throughout all stages of development a child goes from being solitary to being social, from wanting to being included. In fact, going back and forth from oneness to separateness is a lifelong social pattern among interdependent people. You want your child to be comfortable being alone and with other people, and which state is predominant depends on the child's temperament. Interdependence balances children who are predominantly either leaders or followers. The independent individualist may be so tied up in himself that he missies what the crowd has to offer. The dependent child is so busy following the crowd that he never gets a chance to develop leadership.

Learning to be interdependent ties in with the child learning to be responsible. When children get used to seeking help from other people, they naturally learn to consider the effects of their behavior on others. Truly happy and healthy people are neither dependent nor independent; they are interdependent.