Finding a Bedtime Routine That Fits Your Family’s Needs
Arguably the most discussed topic among parents and source of frustration – SLEEP. As my youngest turned 8, I had subconsciously checked that off my list of parenting issues. We had a special bedtime routine: lots of snuggles, giggles, prayer time, and connection. However, recently I’d noticed something new with my 8-year-old son: a frustrated, agitated energy and anxiety in him at bedtime. While he and his two older sisters did well with my hugs, lullabies, and storytelling, apparently now he needed something else.
To be honest, when I first noticed his struggle I was a bit irritated. From day one I was very intentional to create a bedtime routine that was enjoyable, connective, and peaceful. It was a struggle to not get super annoyed when bedtime came and all of a sudden your son has this ramping up of explosive energy and this tired mom has to try to be calm. For a while I ignored it, hoping it was just a short phase. But one night was particularly rough. My go-to tools were just not working and I sensed a huge “battle” was imminent. Even as I was encouraging him to be calm, I was about to lose it myself. In a moment of desperation, or maybe it was parenting brilliance, I asked him if he wanted to have a pillow fight. He paused, looked at me with a huge smile on his face, and nailed me with his pillow. It was on!
We spent the next 10 minutes in a “battle” that produced deep belly laughs, the release of pent-up energy and emotion, as well as knocked over a pile of perfectly-folded laundry (my fault for not putting it away right after it was folded). Towards the beginning of the epic pillow fight I paused and told him I was going to set a timer for 10 minutes and then it was sleeping time (setting boundaries). After that, he quickly fell asleep, feeling content, understood, and maybe a tad sweaty (whatever, totally worth it).
This approach might sound counterintuitive, as we typically try to ramp down the activity at bedtime. But if you compare a meltdown to this therapeutic release of laughter and positive energy, how would you rather end your day?
That night was such a turning point for both of us. I earned more trust in his eyes when he saw that his “negative” behavior would be met with understanding and adaptability. He saw that I will not only fully enjoy and embrace the wonderful parts of him, but I will help navigate and work through the harder parts. And I was reminded of the beauty and growth that can come from staying calm, curious, and thinking outside the typical threat/punishment system. It also produced a different nighttime routine that better fits his current needs. And honestly, it was lots of fun.
And now, as that phase has passed, I’m really missing those pillow fights.
Sending loving and peaceful nighttime energy your way. And just in case you don’t have anyone in your life telling you this: you’re amazing and your children are blessed to have you… we’ve got this!
— Hayden Sears-Darnell
